Or, phrases of cultural relativism in 2017.
With a literary landscape rife with colloquialism, ridiculous abbreviation and recontextualisation it can get pretty tough to understand even the simplest of conversations between friends (particularly female), here’s some hints.
The Bateman Scale – refers to cult classic American Psycho and the protagonist, Patrick Bateman who brutally (and creatively) murders others for pure carnal pleasure. So, if you’re a 9 out of 10 on the Bateman scale on a Tuesday morning then it’s going to be a long week and bitches better get right outta the way.
Jack Rabbit – Refers to a male who has sex like the aforementioned animal ie. uses a vagina to masturbate into.
EAD – Eat a Dick – Usually has a negative connotation despite the (sometimes) pleasure of oral sex.
Boyfriend – When a woman calls someone her boyfriend she means the exact opposite. Asking a close girlfriend if they’ve seen your boyfriend of late usually refers to the guy at work/the gym/on the Bonds commercial that has absolutely no idea who you are but who you still profess your undying love for anyway.
Flag the Can – To can something means to end or stop it. So if you’re flagging the can it means you’re labelling the fact that you’re about to bail. It is usually a reactive emotional impulse.
Fuckboy – Double entendre at its best. A fuckboy is generally an unreliable, immature male that disguises himself as a normal adult male and uses charm to get sex whilst remaining flakey AF. Women sometimes knowingly engage fuckboys for the sheer purpose of, ummm, fucking but ironically they usually disappoint.
Chuckie – Do you remember the late 80’s films that featured Chuckie, the doll that somehow came to life and killed everything in a massive bloodshed? Great. Well then you’ll understand why women refer to their period as Chuckie. Also, it’s well linked to vomiting which isn’t a foreign feeling during this wonderful time.
The Grand Gesture – This if often referred to by women as a defining point of relationship (also, always happens in rom coms). It’s when 100 roses appear, Heath Ledger dances around a football stadium for you, Mark Darcy buys you a new diary. It’s the A game that a man brings to make sure you are his.
Desert Box – My personal favourite because of its fantastic adaptability. If you imagine everything that you want a box to be (not dry) then you can understand why a desert box would be bad, and thereby used to imply boredom or negativity. There’s lots of tweaking that you can do to this phrase because there’s lots of deserts in the world. Gobi, Sahara, Kalahari, Mojave are all things that you do not want a box to be.
Kitchen Table Self – Borrowed respectfully from Brene Brown who refers to the Kitchen Table self as the truest version of ourselves which is barely glimpsed by another human soul. Just imagine tea stained pyjamas, patchy fake tan and unshaven legs. Hot.
Sharon Stone – Refers to the infamous scene in Basic Instinct in which Sharon Stone captivates, then manipulates an audience of men by seductively crossing and uncrossing her legs, sans lingerie. If you pull a Sharon Stone, you replicate that movement and reap the rewards. Obviously it has a predatory sexual connotation.
“Don’t get all Gigi on me” – Film reference from “He’s just not that into you”. Gigi is a hopelessly obsessive character who thinks primarily about men, and getting into a relationship so therefore results to cyber-stalking her prey in the hopes of forcing them to be with her name of love.
Chode – Penis as long as it is wide.
Beige. When someone is beige they are fucking boring, safe and plain. Usually beige has a female connotation because of the feminine obsession with classic, simple beauty of the beige tonal variety.
Dry Toast – See beige. Can be applied more broadly as a general synonym for boring.
La Douleur Exquise – Perhaps this shouldn’t be included here because of its sheer elegance, but the masochist in me couldn’t ignore it. La Douleur Exquise refers to the pain that you feel when you love someone that you cannot be with. The complexity of it is that it is often delivered by your own hand.
Single White Female – When your looks, behaviour, style and possessions are being cloned by another woman.
LOL – We all know this means laugh out loud, but when you capitalize it’s because you’re taking the piss out of saying lol in a conversation, by refusing to say lol.
Up the butt girl – Thanks Charlotte from Sex & the City for this gem. The up the butt girl is the (negative) mental stigma attached to having anal sex too early in the dating game and what that implies for the trajectory of the relationship.
The Lobster – Your one true love (usually unrequited), not always consummated.
Prawn – Refers to a male (usually) with a hot body and bad face. As with prawns you bite off the head and eat the body.
Mr Big – That every woman has a ‘Mr Big’ is a question referencing the elaborate on again off again relationship of Carrie and Mr Big in Sex & the City. In total they break up and revive their relationship at least 4 times.
The Talk – The conversation that takes place when one part of a couple wants to make the relationship official.
The Zsa Zsa Zuu – aka chemistry. Refers to the feeling that you have when you are attracted to someone and falling into a relationship.
QUEEN – This is the most useful phrase incorporated into modern colloquialism in 2017. Not only is it direct, concise and positive but it solidly reduces the number of words needed to massage the ego of a woman hinging her (in)sanity on the return of a text message, tanline or definition of a date.