The List

Life rarely goes to plan.  Sometimes the serendipity and coincidences that it hands us are so sweet we’re left wondering if it would have turned out any better if we scheduled it meticulously. Other times, when we’re gifted with the beauty of retrospect we realise that forethought probably wouldn’t have gone astray . 

Once upon a time, in a much longer more detailed piece of work, my book, I used the Healthy Food Pyramid as a way to understand and balance the needs and wants of your ideal partner.  

I’ll leave out all the food analogies here and give you the short version but I want to reiterate that if you want to get into a serious relationship with a partner that you love and want to commit to then writing a list is a pivotal part of the process.

I love a list. My diary, desk, phone and head are overflowing with them and I find that the process of writing one helps just as much as the satisfaction of ticking things off. All things considered, in the past I never wrote any lists about my relationship criteria, and instead took a haphazard approach to letting the clutches of lust, desire and love unfurl. When I was really young it came down to proximity and the interest of males around me, because that’s what you do when you’re young right? In my early 20’s I had very few preconceived notions of what I wanted. I just let the chips fall where they may and based pretty much everything on the abstract feelings of chemistry and butterflies (wonderful as they are). When I reflected on this approach a little later, I realised how flawed and ultimately brainless I was being. With retrospect and a few more yeas of maturity I was more forgiving of myself and understood that I had it all under control from the outset. My intention at that age was only to sample the spectrum of men, (kind of like ice cream flavours?!) so later my decisions (and future lists) would be more informed. I would know what I liked and didn’t, what I needed and what didn’t matter so much. I knew how much attention I required, how much affection, how I felt when they were away, how to measure trust and what level of communication I find acceptable. Of course, every person and every partnership takes its own dynamic route but I grew to know my baseline needs.

My point, albeit it being verbose, is that I was a skeptic of this whole list thing for the longest time and was lucky to work out organically that it is a very wise move. I constructed my list by trial and error, which is not something everyone gets the chance (or has the appetite) to do.

However, if you’re wanting to find a serious relationship then you need to write your own, very honest list. And ASAP.

Here’s how:

  • You need to be specific, but not obsessive with the details
  • Place most of your focus on his/her personality and morals and values
  • Don’t leave out the good bits eg. looks, sexual connection
  • You don’t need to include quantifiable aspects eg. numerical values of anything; height, weight, salary, number of properties, ex girlfriends etc
  • Do make a definition between Needs vs Wants (this should be pretty organic)
  • Make the list specific to you and be unabashedly, unashamed of making it reflect exactly what you need


HOT TIP : My secret tip for your list is to include the way you want this person to make you FEEL.

Start here. Next week I’ll guide you in writing your very list, and the many ways that you can design it depending on what format resonates with you.

JLM xx

Posted by    |   October 30th, 2017   |   No Comments

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