How to: Break up with the man NOT of your dreams

So, it’s the end of the season and instead of picking up some rad designer jeans on sale you’re left wondering if actually you should dump your douche lord boyfriend instead. Just like finding something you actually want on sale, breaking up with anyone, no matter how much of a dud they are is really very tricky.

To make it easier, or at least quicker here’s the fool proof guide to dumping the man NOT of your dreams..

  1. Always use a park – why do you think those benches are so strategically placed?
  2. Beware the request to ‘grab a coffee’. Everyone knows that’s an ominous precursor for ‘the talk’, which means you may need to be a bit creative when you attempt to preface the invitation to ‘the talk’.
  3. Waterproof mascara.
  4. Write a shit list. (More on this later) In summary – write a list of things of the shit things this person has put you through in order to summon the persuasive strength to pull you through the big event. As a side note never, ever send them (or anyone) your shit list.
  5. You get extra points for using obscure quotes or original anologies as part of your argument.
  6. If you cry, you’ll never live it down, if you don’t you’ll never live it down.
  7. Come prepared – vodka, dark glasses and make up wipes all count as essentials.
  8. Stay hydrated – these types of situations take a physical toll on your body, particularly if its an endurance event.
  9. Make no reference to the future; with him in it or out of it.
  10. FYI you need to be broken up to indulge in the consummate pleasure; ‘Sex with the Ex’.
  11. Shoot to Kill – Say it once and coherently or forever hold your peace.
  12. Abandon Ship –  Be prepared to part with all of the belongings that you left at his place.
  13. Phone a friend – Pre-emptively put your support networks on speed dial.
  14. Do not delay – There’s no right time for shit things like this to take place; Christmas – sure, birthdays – even better, Valentines Day – ding dong dang, JACKPOT!
  15. For dramatic effect be uncontactable until further notice.

Break hearts responsibly


Posted by    |   March 14th, 2016   |   No Comments

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