The Gym Junkie

..And so our exploration of the archetypes of man, The Man Files, continues.

Enter the jungle Mr Juice; the fitness freak and gym buff. Mr Juice clings tightly to the masculine qualities of archetypes; Mr Sales and The Ladies Man, but he doesn’t have the same regard for mental stimulation. He values routine, simplicity and his boy-ish habits. Women are neither trophies, nor a necessity.

Inevitably hardcore fitness is a strong cultural phenomenon sweeping through society quicker than sweat gathers on my upper lip. With that said, it’s the lesser of all evil, and generally speaking, gym junkies are harmless (if you don’t mind fastidiously measuring things). If you do happen to have a soft spot for the hard bodied ones then there’s a few things you should keep in mind when trying to coax these adonis bodied creatures out of the weights room.

  • Life = less fun, more #thegrind
  • Minimal boozing because muscles come first. When they do drink they get turbo drunk quickly because they’re consistently living in calorie deficit and alcohol makes its way into the bloodstream quicker than a Woodway sprint.
  • He’s on a mission – whether it be to get to 102kg, squat 200kgs or finish a marathon he’s got his eye on the prize and won’t let anything get in the way of that. Remember men love a challenge.
  • Tunnel vision – don’t expect to come in between the man and his training schedule (and his protein).
  • Gym junkies are often aesthetically driven; they want a partner that will reflect their values and look hot in active wear.  They can also be judgmental based on their adonis syndrome, which means their high standards are often not (and never will be) met.
  • ‘All or Nothing’ mentality is applied to all facets of life; relationships, training, healthy eating.
  • Extra sweating = extra clogged skin so your man will either have an intense skin care routine, or lots of pimples for you to squeeze. Mmmm back acne.
  • Get accustomed to a Good Morning, and no, not the fun one
  • Exercise encourages the release of an abundance of natural chemicals in the brain and a rise in testosterone, so it’s a basic assumption that a fitness buff will also be a pretty masculine, a-type guy.
  • He’s undoubtedly beautiful, and he’ll never let you forget it…nor will any of the strategically placed mirrors in his home.
  • Expect to spend most of your disposable income on, well disposable items, like food
  • You may be asked to measure muscles with a tape measure or inject questionable substances into their bum
  • Activities may have to be performed in strict supersets and routinely planned for utmost efficiency and fuel consumption eg. wash dishes, food prep, wash clothes, food prep
  • No hangovers mean more time for fun activities or extra gym sessions! No pain, no gain.
  • Every gym junkie needs a swole* mate. Because of their ridiculously routine living and methodological approach to life gym junkies actually love the comfort of a partner, so if you can run and measure and eat kale you might be in with a chance for long term love.

Yours in triceps and biceps and trapeziceps JLM x

* Don’t worry – I punched myself in the face and then vomited for using the term swole mate. How absolutely, obnoxiously revolting. Is this meant to be like Abraham Maslow’s self actualisation but for muscle monsters? Horrible, but see I remained culturally relevant.

Posted by    |   April 26th, 2017   |   No Comments

Leave a Reply