Translating Break Up Lines

It’s no secret that the world of dating, relationships and casual hook ups is complex. We’re confused about what’s happening (in reality and in the depths of our idealistic, romantically inclined minds) vs. what we want.

With plenty of hanging out, ambiguity and the high probability of dating other people. Does it ever get simple?

If coming together is this difficult then you can bet your uncertain ass that breaking up is just as impossible to comprehend.

Just in case you’ve been left wondering, here’s the translation of contemporary Break Up Lines:

  • You deserve better – You deserve better and I’ve decided I can’t (be bothered to) give that to you.
  • We’re too alike – If I spend anymore time with you I’ll kill you.
  • You just don’t understand me – You’re a basic bitch and you’ll never understand my depth.
  • We’re just on different pages at the moment – I want to dive face first in a sea of long legs (various and repeatedly) whilst you’re angling for a diamond and a white picket fence.
  • I care about you a lot but…. –  I’m not sexually attracted to you.
  • I need to work out what I really want – I want to be single.
  • I need to focus on my career – I don’t want to be with you. I want to be selfishly single and don’t have the balls to say so.
  • I wish it could have worked out between us – I can’t be bothered to pursue you anymore, it’s too expensive and/or time consuming.
  • I’m just a simple guy – I still don’t understand what that red shit in cocktails is.
  • We like different things  –  You’re bad in bed.
  • You’re not really my type – I’m not attracted to you, but can you introduce me to Amber, Sally and Siobhan?
  • I’m not good enough for you – Your expectations are too high. And, too expensive. I like pubs.
  • I don’t want to hold you back  – You’re too needy. You should be with someone that’s not me.
  • I’m not ready for a relationship – I’m not ready for a relationship (with you). I still want to peruse the Panetone spectrum of (wo)men before I proceed past this point.
  • I don’t want to be tied down at the moment –  (…..Unless it’s physically with rope or handcuffs)
  • I need to prioritise myself –  I miss living with my hands down my pants whenever I want, eating pizza and watching porn.

I hope this give you a slice of insight into the abrupt nature of the (fe)male mind.

Now gather your ruthlessness and live happily ever after.

JLM xx

Posted by    |   February 6th, 2017   |   No Comments

Leave a Reply