“The new girl is obviously a perfectly, perfect beige girl who looks like she goes to yoga all the time, has manicured frosted baby pink nails, never sweats and always looks like she’s floated out of a fucking Camilla & Marc catalogue.” – JLM
Are you bored by the sound of your own voice? Do you fall asleep when you see your own shadow? Chances are, you’re beige.
Thanks to Brown Cardigan for bringing the beige phenomenon (and one of my often referred to colloquialisms) into the public arena: BEIGE.
The male version of a Beige Cardigan is Dry Toast. And regardless of what they’ve got between their legs, they’re equally as bland.
Beige girls are a huge threat to everyday, casually and haphazardly cute girls and most of the rest of the world. This is because they are perfect. Or they seek to perpetuate the view that they are perfect. They never sweat, never put on weight or spill coffee on themselves. They have perfectly curled hair, rosy pink cheeks and skin like a peaches ass. These are generally not the type of details that men notice but as a grown woman they get right under your skin. The beige girls’ modus operandi is simple; find man, get sparkly ring on finger. If you’re a beige girl then your requests are either so non-offensive that they go undetected or are very cleverly disguised manipulations. “I want to be make you happy *cough-cough Chanel bag cough*..”
Regardless of whether men are aware of this or not, they like beige girls for the comfort and ease they bring to their lives. Perhaps the beige girl upkeep is moderate to high, but its worth it for the fact that his washing is neat and folded daily, ties are perfectly knotted and an eyebrow never raised when the cat is out to play
But the real shock is that beige broads don’t just rub women up the wrong way either, they actually do, after the penny drops and the monotony sets in annoy the shit out of men too. This is because, despite popular belief men enjoy engaging with women on an intellectual level. There’s only so far good looks and bedroom skills can take you.
Let’s look to pop culture for a reasonably relevant example. The Leonardo Dicaprio of 2015 is swiftly being pegged as the contemporary rake. Taking a page out of Clooney’s book he’s got more leggy blonde model spreads than a shelf of Harpers Bazaar’s. If he can get sick of Baar Rafaeli, Gisele Bundshen and Miranda Kerr – arguably some of the most divine creatures on the planet then its likely that all men want more than just firm a tush and blow-dried hair.
So if you’re on the end of a lull; on the phone, he’s not texting you back, or pretending to be asleep then chances are you’re beige and been demoted down from actual dating potential because you’re boring as bat shit.
Don’t be beige. Don’t fuck with beige.