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How to Fight Fair

Have you ever wondered why arguing with the opposite sex gets heated so quickly? Why is it so easy to frustrate each other, without that ever being an intention?

Why must we lose all of our eyelashes and get all red and spotty just to communicate a point of view?  More to the point, why do our female friends understand so easily and seamlessly but men are harder to talk to than stale bread?

Men and women eat, sleep and evolve different. We communicate on completely different plains so when the gloves come off how can we argue fairly?

Here’s some insight…

  • Women don’t start an argument when they open their mouths. You can bet your last dollar that there’s been an internal debate raging for at least a week.  By the time women raise an issue they’ve been pissed and seething in silence for days. This is a huge disadvantage to men who begin the conversation at a mental disadvantage, being met only with an angry barrage of emotional missiles. 
  • Fortunately men are better at reacting, on the spot (whether or not the answers are honest and considered is another story) but are more likely to be direct and short in their communication. Women can interpret this as harsh and hurtful because of the abrupt delivery and tone.
  • Typically women are more careful (and indirect) than men with their words, which means she might be less likely to lash out but he’ll go for the throat and cause a lot more imminent pain. This might shut down an argument quickly, but for the wrong reasons, so the issue will resurface once the tears are dry.
  • Historically men have grown up in a context in which conversations are a contest. It’s not unusual for men to enter such robust discussions that they end up in tears or in a fight, yet this result doesn’t stretch them too far beyond comfort, nor does it do long term damage.
  • On the other hand, women use conversations to exchange information and provide support. Women stay present in by methodically comparing and relating and making sure they show signs of being engaged. Due to the indirect nature of  conversing, if an issue arises it’ll likely be ignored and silent grudges harboured for years to come.
  • Men are generally more comfortable with anger. They grow steadily angry and subsequently and efficiently express themselves, appearing strong or moody in the process.  On the other hand, women have a confusing relationship with anger and struggle expressing it.  Instead, suppressing their anger and often resorting to passive aggression and bitchiness then exploding into a fit of white rage when they drop a pen a few days later. It’s an ugly process that challenges the image of  women as elegant, subtle buds of perfection.
  • Women often try to get their point across by asking questions; it’s either to understand better and gather data or to build more of a case. Of course men are not fond of feeling like the subject of an intensely relentless interrogation and respond simply and directly (usually with as few words as possible) which isn’t received positively. Women interpret short answers as being evasive.
  • Women look for a definite resolution from an argument, and if they don’t get it then you can be sure as hell it’ll go full circle until it’s another argument. Ever heard the expression, ‘looping back?’ Pretty sure that came from the cyclical nature of women in arguments. If the argument does not ‘end’ with a resolution or an agreement then a woman will be surly about it the next day, whereas men are likely to put it aside and get on with life. Unfortunately women interpret this as being ignored. Big fail, especially for your sanity.
  • Women start arguments (with men) because they want action. Men avoid arguments at all lengths and would prefer to stay silent than cause (what they perceive to be) unnecessary chaos.
  • Men are traditionally more skilled at staying present which means in an argument they’ll focus on the here and now. On the contrary, women think about the topic of an argument on a larger scale and in the context of the patterns of the relationship. Think about it like collecting information for, and then writing an essay, vs playing a game of cards. You’re playing a different fucking game altogether.
  • When women bring up past events (because they’re drawing comparisons and gathering data) it makes men feel that they’re finding fault in their overarching character and neglecting their good points. It comes across as aggressive and insulting and naturally causes men to retreat.

Fight fair kids,

JLM x

Posted by    |   May 1st, 2017   |   No Comments

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