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How to: The Single (Girls) Guide to Surviving Events Sans Plus One

THE EVENT : THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Ho-ho-ho-HO. What better event to jeopardise your romantic integrity than with the annual Christmas Party. With ties loosened, punch spiked, mistletoe hung and rules disregarded here’s how to manage the cheer without the regrettable consequences…

  • Look hot*. Fuck it, this isn’t a wedding or frumpy event. Look amazing. Turn heads.

In the case that you are hot and work in an ultra conservative pole-up-the ass organisation try to wear the ugliest, least revealing outfit you can find with the knowledge that if you look even slightly attractive the mole-club will spend the whole night bitching about your hemline.

  • Belt the shit out of a punching bag BEFORE the party to make sure you don’t release your frustrations in real time, whilst under the influence of Christmas cheer beer.
  • By all means take advantage of the free bar tab but never get sloshed. Don’t be that guy. The one who gets put in a cab at 8pm after vomiting on themselves or, remembered for rolling around on the ground wearing only socks and stroking their skin like it’s made of velvet.*
  • Kissing under the mistletoe is a vague romantic notion used by fictional characters like Catwoman to seduce bad guys. This is not a cartoon, you are not Catwoman. Sit the fuck down. (And keep it in your pants)
  • Buy your own drinks. Meaning, drink what you want and don’t drink the bar tab just because its free. If you know that you get sloppy when you drink champagne don’t drink it just because it’s free. That is the epitome of low standards.
  • Speaking of standards don’t let the guy from IT buy you MOJITHO’s because he wants to get in your pants and then proceed to make out with him just because ‘everyone else is doing it’.
  • GO HOME! ALONE! Again, just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean you have to test out the workplace sexual relations protocol. It’s okay to gracefully leave, alone.
  • Never wittingly engage in flirtations with your superiors – YUCK. Aside from the fact that it’s gross, it will never end well. Fast forward 4 months and you’ll either be heart broken, fired or in a fight with the HR department.
  • Save your best table dancing, break dancing or dirty dancing for another party.
  • Remember the phrase “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” when you’re being bought Tequila shots by disingenuous colleges. Always keep your wits and a keen dose of scepticism about you. Chances are, they’re trying to steal your job, integrity, underwear or cat.

Remember to always party, carol and love responsibly,

JLM x x

* been there, seen that. It was so hilarious.

Posted by    |   November 27th, 2015   |   2 Comments

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