Things you should know about heartbreak

The same way that every relationship is drastically different from the next, every break up is unique in it’s unraveling. Obviously the two are mutually exclusive and you can’t have one without the other, but what we often don’t realise is that break ups themselves are the start of a completely new relationship; both with yourself and with your ex-partner. That new relationship takes time to form and is dependent on an abundance of variables, but as with anything that dips into pockets of the heart, it’s extremely turbulent territory .With a break up, you never know what to expect; some are easier than expected, some are messy and others are death defying, but in any case where the heart strings have been severed you’re looking at a minimum term of emotional duress.

Here’s some things you may not know:

  • Calories no longer count
  • Pervasive existentialism prevails
  • There is no Band-Aid big enough
  • Hello? It’s me. Yes, and Adele is making millions off your melancholy ass.
  • You’ll probably definitely cry at the most inopportune moments; at the supermarket, in front of your boss, in the car, in bookshops, cafes and at bars
  • Valium is your friend. Sprinkle that shit everywhere.
  • Sometimes aerobic exercise is difficult – it can cause choking or anxiety when combined with crying
  • Broken hearts are still susceptible to hang overs
  • Getting angry before bedtime impinges on your sleep quality
  • Life’s biggest puzzles are even more quizzical and unjust; Kim & Kanye are still together but I just got dumped?! Yes champ.
  • Everyone on your social media feed conveniently gets married or pregnant
  • Misery loves company
  • Meals and food groups get blurry – rocky road for breakfast and celery sticks for dinner are commonplace
  • The pain of heart break is actually palpable
  • Yoga WILL make you cry
  • Hibernating or avoiding human interaction is a perfectly acceptable coping mechanism
  • MOVE ON…yeah, with nausea – ‘Move on’ is the most overused, misrepresented and trite cliché in the whole history of relationship and breakup advice. Vomit.
  • It’s okay to be allergic to men/women/relationships/dating/affection for ever a while
  • Time is calculated in dog years; one month = one year
  • Invest in an artillery of white lies
  • Dressing = unnecessary effort
  • Yes, you are now single. But this doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to go on blind dates, sympathy dates, double dates or download Tinder
  • Getting out the old rolodexes of exes and past heart break is normal
  • Chocolate tastes like nothing at all anymore
  • Hyperbole is the only saving grace that makes it worth living through…

Yours with a glass heart,


Posted by    |   May 9th, 2016   |   No Comments

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